Failure.

Let’s talk about failing.

What happens when you miss the mark?

When you don’t meet the expectation?

When you don’t make it to the finish line?

Yesterday, was that day for me.

I had no intention on failing, throwing in the towel, or not making it to the end; however, life happens. Sometimes, life throws punches instead of light licks.

Last week was hard mentally.

This weekend, we attended a funeral for Travis’s aunt.

Sunday, one of my sweet cousins passed.

Yesterday, I learned about one of our friends passing, and shortly thereafter, I got a call that another young cousin passed. 3 deaths in less than 24 hours.

It was a lot.

I was working.

Trying to hold it together.

I should have stopped.

Should have cried.

Should have felt the immense pain of the grief that had settled. But I didn’t. There were things to do and I needed to get them done. So I kept working.

Around 2:00, my chest started hurting. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it was uncomfortable. About 20 minutes later, with my heartbeat increasing, I knew I needed to go home.

I called Travis, told him I thought my blood pressure was up, and I was going home to lay down. After he found out my chest was hurting (not a usual symptom for me when my blood pressure is up), he demanded that I go to the closest ER. I begrudgingly agreed.

The EKG, x-rays, IV and the hundred other tests freaked me out. My blood pressure was high, but that wasn’t causing the chest pain.

Anxiety was.

I didn’t have a heart attack… I had an anxiety attack. While freezing in the ER, and praying it was nothing serious, I watched my husband’s demeanor. He was worried.

And I couldn’t help him.

It broke my heart.

Here’s the thing about you— you affect other people. Being your best self can seem selfish, but it’s the most selfless thing you can do. Showing up as your best self, gives others the opportunity to experience you at your best, and that’s a gift.

After I got pain meds, orders to rest, and a directive to follow-up with my doctor, I came home.

And then, I cried.

Grieved.

Felt the weight of the loss.

It was consuming.

Overwhelming.

Painful.

But it was also cleansing.

Healing.

Cathartic.

So I’m resting. Sitting in failing my Phase 1 challenge, but also remembering the past failures that pushed me to greatness.

Failures aren’t fatal.

Failures aren’t forever.

Sometimes, we need to fail to be reminded of our dependence on God.

Failures can remind us of the people who stand with us.

Carry us.

Cover us.

Compel us forward towards the mark.

Yesterday, I failed.

Today, I’m grateful for the ability to begin again. Not today, but soon. Soon, I’ll look back at this time, and remember the journey that led me to my destiny. So fail if you must, but don’t let a failure (or many failures) deter you from doing what you’re purposed to do.