Failure.

Let’s talk about failing.

What happens when you miss the mark?

When you don’t meet the expectation?

When you don’t make it to the finish line?

Yesterday, was that day for me.

I had no intention on failing, throwing in the towel, or not making it to the end; however, life happens. Sometimes, life throws punches instead of light licks.

Last week was hard mentally.

This weekend, we attended a funeral for Travis’s aunt.

Sunday, one of my sweet cousins passed.

Yesterday, I learned about one of our friends passing, and shortly thereafter, I got a call that another young cousin passed. 3 deaths in less than 24 hours.

It was a lot.

I was working.

Trying to hold it together.

I should have stopped.

Should have cried.

Should have felt the immense pain of the grief that had settled. But I didn’t. There were things to do and I needed to get them done. So I kept working.

Around 2:00, my chest started hurting. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it was uncomfortable. About 20 minutes later, with my heartbeat increasing, I knew I needed to go home.

I called Travis, told him I thought my blood pressure was up, and I was going home to lay down. After he found out my chest was hurting (not a usual symptom for me when my blood pressure is up), he demanded that I go to the closest ER. I begrudgingly agreed.

The EKG, x-rays, IV and the hundred other tests freaked me out. My blood pressure was high, but that wasn’t causing the chest pain.

Anxiety was.

I didn’t have a heart attack… I had an anxiety attack. While freezing in the ER, and praying it was nothing serious, I watched my husband’s demeanor. He was worried.

And I couldn’t help him.

It broke my heart.

Here’s the thing about you— you affect other people. Being your best self can seem selfish, but it’s the most selfless thing you can do. Showing up as your best self, gives others the opportunity to experience you at your best, and that’s a gift.

After I got pain meds, orders to rest, and a directive to follow-up with my doctor, I came home.

And then, I cried.

Grieved.

Felt the weight of the loss.

It was consuming.

Overwhelming.

Painful.

But it was also cleansing.

Healing.

Cathartic.

So I’m resting. Sitting in failing my Phase 1 challenge, but also remembering the past failures that pushed me to greatness.

Failures aren’t fatal.

Failures aren’t forever.

Sometimes, we need to fail to be reminded of our dependence on God.

Failures can remind us of the people who stand with us.

Carry us.

Cover us.

Compel us forward towards the mark.

Yesterday, I failed.

Today, I’m grateful for the ability to begin again. Not today, but soon. Soon, I’ll look back at this time, and remember the journey that led me to my destiny. So fail if you must, but don’t let a failure (or many failures) deter you from doing what you’re purposed to do.

I am…

I am.
I am _______.
Whatever that thing is for you, fill in the blank. It can be what you really are, or what you aspire to be. It doesn’t have to be fully realized for you to declare it. Your mind doesn’t know the difference, so speak who you want to be, even before becoming it.
I was thinking this morning on my walk about how often we get stuck on who we were. A mistake or misstep, or just a wrong decision. We spend so much time trying to overcome that thing, that we forget to focus on who we’re becoming.
I get it.
I was a teen mom.
And I didn’t have one of those “aww, bring my grand baby to me” mommas… Nah. My mom was like, “your baby, your responsibility. You want to play sports, you’ll need to pay for a babysitter. You need to work, so you can pay for that babysitter. Oh! And still expect stellar grades. Yes, you will still take honors classes.” I thought it was the worst thing ever. I saw people with babies who never had them. Their mom kept their kids, they did whatever they wanted.
What I couldn’t appreciate then that I now embrace more than ever was the desire to be different. I wanted more. And I knew, if I could juggle honors classes, working, track, basketball and music, while caring for a toddler, I could have more. I could’ve done what was expected, wallow in what should’ve been or become lackluster about my dreams. I could’ve used “I’m a teen mom” as a crutch to explain my lack of motivation. I could still say that I had to wait on what I wanted because I had a baby before I was married. But I don’t.
I won’t.
I didn’t.
Honestly, I made tons of mistakes.. tons! But one thing I didn’t do was allow who I was to dictate who I became.
I’m not a decision from my past, even though that decision has greatly shaped me.
It changed my outlook.
The perspective I have about life shifted drastically when I included a baby that was depending on me for survival.
Who you were doesn’t determine who you’ll be.
You decide that.
I am________.
Decide to be who you’re called to be!

I got chased!

I got chased this morning! 🐕
Okay. So I’m just walking, listening to a sermon, thinking about what I’d make the kids when I got home. I’m less than half a mile from home, so I’m not paying much attention. A lot of my neighbors have pets, but it’s not an issue… most have an invisible fence, so I’m not scared walking or running in the neighborhood. Again, me— minding my business, I hear a dog barking 🐕, but don’t pay attention to it. Remember, invisible fence. Suddenly, the barking is nearer, closer on the right side (street) instead of the left (yard). I turn around and see Roxie (I don’t know the dogs name, but for the sake of the story, she needs a name, and yes - I decided it was a she because she was spicy!!) literally on my heels. 😳😳 My first instinct is to run! Like, Jackie Joyner Kersee run.
‘Half a mile.
Cut through the woods.
Dodge the limbs and jump over the stream.
Pray there’s no snakes.
Um. Maybe I can be home in 3 minutes or so.’
All thoughts running through my head. And y’all, she wasn’t even a big dog. And don’t ask me what kind, but she was like a medium size… But she was UPSET! She was barking like I was attacking her momma! How dare I walk past her house and with that light on?! Again, spicy. 🐶
I fight my natural flight instinct, and calmly say, “good morning. Do you want to walk with me?” I hold my hand down to her so she can sniff me.✋🏾Roxie is still barking, loudly. I keep talking to her, and she’s obviously not impressed… I turn to walk again, and Roxie takes off after me again!
Still fighting the flight instinct, I just keep talking and keep my hand where she can sniff if. Finally, after what seems like forever (it was literally only like 3 minutes), my neighbor comes out yelling for Roxie to “get back here!” I immediately remember seeing them several times out walking. Roxie is torn between obedience and protection. She’s determined to not let me walk away, but knows she needs to go back to her master. The choice was hard for her. Her barking spoke of her protest while my neighbor profusely apologized. With my heart rate slowing down, I laughed, and started walking away, back towards home.
Then I realized, I’m more like Roxie than I’d like to admit. I’m often distracted by something going on, barking loudly at something in my path, leaving the comfort of home to engage with the world, only to realize, the best place for me, is with the Master. I don’t have to deal with things that He can handle. It takes away from time in His presence. He wants to walk with me, not see me choosing to chase after something else. He wants to lead me, guide my path, not watch me helplessly screaming and putting myself in danger. Roxie taught me so much this morning. Through her pursuit, her barks, and finally, her obedience to her master. Today, allow Him to walk with you, and deal with obstacles in your path.

Oceans

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